Changes Have Happened

This has been an emotional time for me lately. I have been on a search for my birth family and happening in quick succession, I have found them. In October I found an ad that my sibling had placed and I responded. I didn't hear back and began searching with the information that the ad had given. Tuesday around noon, I placed my information on a website and by 5pm, I had my mother's obituary notice. That was very bittersweet. I always wanted to know my mother but she passed in 2008. I was listed as a child of hers on the obituary which let me know that I was still wanted in some way shape or form. I also had my siblings names. I found one, Amanda on face book and sent her a message asking if I could possibly be her sister. She responded the next day with her phone number. I am her sister. Amanda has been looking for me for years. She said it was such a shock to get that message and she had to keep reading it to make sure it said what it did. I am overjoyed and can already tell that Amanda and I are going to be close.

I have a step-sister Martha who is not close with me and I think I have always wanted a close relationship with a sibling, I feel like I have that now! I have now also spoken to my uncle Bobby and my brother Christopher and have found out that my mother kept a baby photo of me up over her bed until she passed. My uncle Bobby used to look for me and no one in the family ever forgot me. Though my mother found it hard to talk about me, Amanda never gave up the search for me. My uncle Bobby has said that he wants to meet my husband and I feel he wants to make sure he is good enough. lol. He is but this is so overwhelmingly emotional. Bobby told me about how he used to play with me and he has my picture on the wall with the rest of the family. I was taken from them when I was two, can you imagine how this feels to know that 33 years later, they still have my baby pictures up?

I am driving to Agusta, GA tomorrow to meet Amanda and then after Christmas, my husband and I are going to go to Warner Robins and meet the rest of my family. Amanda keeps getting worried she is going to drive me away somehow, but that is just so silly! I can't wait to hug her. I know everyone says to take reunions a little slow and to be cautious but I can't help myself. I am going from being the youngest in my family to being the big sister. I have to keep reminding myself that this is not a dream.

I am absolutely overjoyed! This has been a Thanksgiving to truly be thankful for. Love to everyone!

Lazy days

I have been busy with writing my midterms so I have not really had time to post. I am now done and looking forward to spending two days off with my husband. We are going to chill and watch movies and enjoy each others company. I have been enjoying looking at google maps lately and placing the yellow man on the roads of Scotland. That way, I have relived our trip there and seen all the sites I loved so much! Ahh, well. Let me go spend time with my honey.
Peace.

midterms and money

Midterm time. I know that I have an A in my classes but for some reason, whenever I am writing an essay, I can never seem to actually get motivated; or at least I can but I don't want to. I guess that is everyone. I have been wanting to write a lot lately and not on the computer. I actually want to write things. Have you ever had that? Where you actually want to see your handwriting create something across a page? Maybe I should write a letter or take some notes or something.

Well, this day started out not so great but has actually been a pretty good day. I have been freaking out about money a good bit lately. I didn't know how we were going to eat this paycheck but maybe it will all be ok. I have a "friend" who is always around for the good times and likes to mooch off of people. I don't usually pay too much attention but since I have been out of work, it has been made startlingly clear. I loaned him $300.00 five years ago and no matter how often I ask for it back, he says he can't...he doesn't have it...he's broke...blah blah blah. I feel I have been more than patient. Jason even got in his face last November and told him to pay me. Of course my "friend" cried and told me he would if he could. Again. Anyway, talking to Kos today I asked if this friend was on tour with him and when he asked why I told him. Kos, without my knowledge, sent him a text telling him to give me the money this week or else. Lol. Kos doesn't give threats, he makes promises. Not that I ever want harm done to someone on my behalf, but apparently that is the only way that this friend ever pays anyone back. I haven't heard from him yet but apparently he let Kos know that he understood. So perhaps we won't be as dismal as we thought

I miss eating out. We haven't had a meal in a restaurant for almost three months. I would love to go to the Open Kitchen and get my usual and just enjoy an evening with Jason. Here we are eating chicken again. I think the amount of chicken we eat is what is causing Jason to fall asleep all the time. He isn't getting enough iron in his diet. I will have to look into that some. Well I guess I should be studying and taking notes for my midterms. See ya.

birth family

Well, I have had an eventful day. I found someone with my first name born in the same city, on the same day and adopted by a family in NC. I think it is me. The facts are identical so now I am waiting on pins and needles for someone (a sibling who made the post looking for me) to respond. What if they don't like me? What if I am not the one they are looking for? My mind is over run with fears and doubts but I am completely excited at the same time.I don't know what to think or feel. Now I am sitting and watching Aladdin with Jason trying to get my mind off it.I will keep you posted on what happens if anything.Hopefully I will find out for sure if my last name was Mimbs.

questions with no answers

Do you ever want to be something you know you already are? I am witty, funny and sarcastic with my friends but I can't seem to be that way here.I think weird thoughts and I like that about myself. For example: we learn our colors in school. Red is red and everyone knows it is red, right? But how do I know that the color I know as red isn't seen by my eyes as green? As different as we all are and our bodies are how is it possible we all see the exact same shade? Isn't it more likely that we recognize the colors because we are taught a certain color is red even though I might actually see green? These are the types of things I think about, useless possibly but at least I challenge myself.

Now on to a problem. I have a person I used to be friends with. She is the type of person who has to have all male attention at all times. She finds out you are interested in someone and she begins flirting, though badly, and it pissed me off. We are no longer friends and of course I got married so it is not even an issue anymore except that it is. We have a mutual friend who has now moved in with her and is forcing her on our group of friends. Now they are throwing a party for Halloween. Jason thinks we should go. Part of me agrees, but I don't want to at the same time.I don't trust her at all and don't particularly want her and Jason in the same place where she can flirt. I am not worried about Jason cheating on me, I trust him completely and he finds her rather vile but still...I just don't want her even talking to him.

So tell me dear readers, am I just clinging to the past or is my fear legitimate? BTW she visited him at work on day after she had only met him once. How do I handle this with my friend, I don't want to lose him but I find her repulsive and choose to not associate. What should we do? How should I handle this situation? Should we attend said party or not? Should I say something or not? If you are reading this, please respond.

reflection day

So Yeah, It is a beautiful Saturday and what am I doing? I am trying to find decently priced hotels n the highlands of Scotland near or overlooking Loch Ness. I would like to be near a city and I don't want a B&B because we don't want to worry about waking people up if we get in too late. Doing this research (which I do often BTW) relaxes me and makes me very happy. I feel such a kinship to Scotland. I just know that somewhere in my heritage, I came from there. Part of me really wants to get that test done where you swab your mouth and they can tell you all the percentages of areas you come from. I want to but I am terrified at the same time. I am afraid I will find out that I have no relationship to Scotland and that would just break my heart. I don't know where I got the love of that country but it has stuck with me for many years. I study the history, the animals, the food and the maps. I love the rugged land and the beautiful untamed nature. I long to live there. I just feel like I belong there. Have you ever felt that way about a place? Like it is just in your blood? I want to learn to speak Gaelic but no one around here knows it.

I remember when we went for our honeymoon, I was literally bouncing up and down in my seat on the plane as soon as I saw Scotland. We hadn't even landed yet and I couldn't contain my joy. I wanted to see it all. I had no trouble driving there and found it relaxing and fun. I felt home. Perhaps I just long to know my own history. I love my parents and they will always be my parents but I want to know where I come from. I want to meet my mother at least once in my life and to find out if I have any siblings. I have found ways to find them but I cannot afford the fees such agencys require. My parents were offered my original birth certificate to give me when I was older but they declined it. I wish they hadn't.

So today I sit in my house with my 3 cats and dream of vacations that I will probably never take and places I will never live and people I will never meet. I guess today is a day for relection.

I remember when Jason and I first discussed our honeymoon and where to go, he didn't seem to appreciate the idea of Scotland. He wanted to go to Vegas. I was giving in and he decided since it meant that much to me, we would go to Scotland. Now he loves it too. I don't see how anyone couldn't love that country.

Ok, so I know you are bored by reading this but I did have a final topic to discuss today. The suicides of several gay teens really bothers me. I do not understand the harrassment these kids have to deal with. I don't understand the world. I do not understand why we can't just accept others. It doesn't mean we have to like what they do (not that I have ANY problems with it) but we must accept each other as human beings. None of us are any better than the rest and all should be treated equally. The thought that just because a teen is gay should cause them such hopelessness that they would kill themselves makes me incredibly sad. One life lost is too many. If anyone is reading this blog, which I honestly don't know if anyone is, that is the one thing I want you to take from it. Hatred is a disease and it is infectious. Just as hatred is infectious so is love. Pass on the message of love to everyone you meet. You just may save a life, make a friend or become a role model and if any of those fail to convince you, think about this; you will also make yourself feel better. When you smile at someone, you can change their life, and yours, for the better. Never be afraid of someone different and always strive to love.

Back again

Wow, so a lot of time has gone by. I am not so good at the keeping this up to date thing which is really funny because I used to write in a diary every single day. I think it is a good thing to do because when you go back and re-read everything, it really helps you figure out where you were. So let's see where I am at.

I am taking classes. I was taking two literature courses and a comp programming course but I couldn't hack the last one. I was not made to program, I can't speak that language. :) My two lit classes are going pretty well though. I do get annoyed with stupid people but hey, they are everywhere so I guess I should expect them in my classes. I'm sure someone out there thinks I am rather stupid as well.

Jason's and my God-Daughter was born on Wednesday and she is precious. Now Jason has baby fever and I have to admit, I am catching it too. It does however terrify me. After the abuse I suffered before my adoption and the abandoning by my mother afterwards, I am terrified to have a child. It is such a long commitment and what if I am horrible at it? What if I lose my temper all the time and abuse my children? That thought scares the hell out of me. I have even discussed with Jason that he be the disciplinarian just in case. I hate to do that though. It is so old school to say "wait until your father gets home..." blah blah blah.

I just worry. I am a worrier at all times. I freak about money. I keep offering to quit college and go back to work but Jason won't let me. Most months it is a struggle to make sure all the bills get paid. We don't eat out ever anymore. I cook every night to save us some money but it seems we just can't get ahead. Our AC unit was fixed in May and of course broke again at the end of August. I am no good during the heat and tend to turn into a raving bitch so I am very glad that it has cooled down outside.

Kos moved home which I love but he also has gone out on tour. We have no idea when he will be home and today he told me he was selling his car because there was no sense making car payments if he will never be home to drive it. Stupid, I think. I understand that he is way in debt because of his stupid parents acting more like children but him being out on the road for two years to get out of debt won't make him happy either. We just got him back and now he is gone again. I hate Jesse for suggesting it...not really but I am mad!

Why is it that bills get harder to pay the closer you get to Christmas? Is winter just more expensive? It seems like we get further behind every month until in December we are barely able to pay for anything and then we use our Christmas money to get out of debt and start the cycle all over again. There has to be a better way of doing things.

Do you ever play the "What if" game? You know, the game that says if I won the lottery, I would..... fill in the blank. Jason and I play this game a lot. I would fly us (first class so we aren't so cramped) to Scotland for another vacation. I could quite happily live there. I think Jason could too. I don't think he would appreciate being away from his family but I have to say, I wouldn't mind distance from mine. It would make things like the pregnancy worries less. I think my main fear is that when we do get pregnant and tell my father, he won't be happy about it. He actually asked me a few months ago if I even liked children! What? I have been a nanny for at least 7 different children and I have worked at two day cares. Of course I like children. I don't think my father knows me at all, but then again, its not like I actually let him in very much either so it is really my fault.

Well I guess that is enough for tonight. I will try to continue tomorrow.

Aggravation

So my best friend is coming home (actually he is moving home) after being away for almost two years. I am so excited I can hardly stand it, but it seems like every little thing is getting on my nerves. He is on the road now, he has been since Friday afternoon but instead of telling Jason and I when he will get here, he is stopping to visit one of our mutual friends while on the way and all he can tell us is that he will see us on Sat. I know Rodney has missed him too but come on! Rodney will be over here Saturday night to see him so why does he have to stop there at 4 am? I know I am being petty but since this is my blog, I am allowed. :) Is it too much to ask to be told when he should get here so we can be ready? I mean come on, its just polite people.

Next issue is that every time he has come to visit or moves back, people are waiting at my house for him to get here. I know everyone loves him, but we are best friends and I would freaking LOVE some time alone with him before everyone descends on us. I would NEVER be so rude as to assume I should be waiting on someone to arrive at a friends. But now, Rodney will have time alone with him but we won't because Rodney will come with him. Plus, Melissa called all in a mood asking to come over. This makes twice that she has done this. Last time he came to visit, he was here for 10 days, I finally got time alone with him (30 minutes) on the 7th day. I felt like I had to tell Melissa she could come on over even though I don't want anyone here when he gets here.

Now, he wants to party Saturday night. I have NO problem with that. It has been forever since I partied with my Russian. But, I was planning on making a special meal for him and Jason. Now he has invited over three more people. Jason and I are on a very tight budget. We juggle the bills every month. I can't afford to feed all these people. I just assumed that we would eat later after Jason got off and by then everyone else will have eaten, but no, he is telling them that I am cooking a special dinner. Now, because it is expected, I have to go to the grocery store tomorrow and supplement what I already have so that I can feed six people instead of three. I can't afford that! As it is I have had to use my birthday money on bills.

Now my last point which has nothing to do with Kos. We are broke. We can't even afford the gas to get to church. Every single dollar is budgeted toward something like bills or food or gas. I am in school and doing really well but Jason is supporting us. I don't like the fact that I am so worried about bills all the time. We haven't been able to buy each other Christmas, Valentines or birthday presents in over two years. I think I should cut back on school and at least take a part-time job but Jason says he doesn't want me to. In a way that is good because I would end up working full time with no school but as it is now, shouldn't I be contributing? I feel really bad. If only I could make money by studying. I'd be good at that.

I think I am going to have to apply for food stamps and unemployment. Of course knowing that we only pay 50 a month in rent to my father, I will be denied because he "could" help us. What the hell am I supposed to do? We can't keep going like this!

Lord guide me and protect me.

Well, I definitely have not been keeping up with the posts here. There is a reason why and I am letting you (if anyone is actually reading this) into my head here. I suffer from Dysthymia which is a form of depression. It kicks into high gear during the summer. I felt it building for the last few days but fought it off until this morning. This morning I lost it. I have spent the day crying. Which can be rather humiliating when I leave church and people see me crying.

I have no good reason. There is nothing anyone can really do to help me except hug me and tell me it will all be ok. I tend, like so many people, to hate myself. I wonder why God made me this way. I used to think it was so I could help others but when I try to, I just feel like a hypocrite. I have a few ideas of God but no real understanding. I want a closer relationship with him but no knowledge of how to get it.

I told Jason that I wanted a better understanding of the bible. He bought me a teaching bible where you read the chapters and then a review. I think this is good. I am reading it at my own pace. Some days I don't read any and some days I read many chapters. I think I need to re-learn how to pray. My prayer for today is pretty simple. "Lord, though I may not be the believer you want me to be, I want to serve you better. Please guide me and give me the strength to get through today. Amen."

Back to God

I have been thinking about religion a lot lately. I challenge myself to think always and so I have been thinking about how I have ended up with the views I do. I was raised in a Methodist family and was forced to go to church on Sundays then I was sent to a Catholic school where we had daily mass and religion classes. During the summer I went to Quaker camp. Of these three I felt most comfortable with the Quakers because my religion is more nature based. When I was in high school, I finally told my father to shove it and quit going to church with him.

This began several years where I refused to have any part of God (except of course when things got bad and then I would pray). I did some things I am not proud of and I ended up in jail for 62 days. During this time, I wanted a better relationship with God but I didn't know how to go about it. I just read the bible. When I got out, my husband at the time took me to church with him. It was the first time I had been in church in close to 7 years. I considered myself to be agnostic and was terrified. What did they decide to do about it? They handed me a bible and told me to read a passage aloud and preach what it meant. Well, that's a horrible thing to do to someone who is terrified and trying to find their way back to God. In addition to this, I go to two family funerals where the minister instead of talking about the deceased, preaches about how so many are going to hell. I felt like he was talking to me.

Maybe I should open myself up for criticism at this point and tell you my beliefs. I do not believe in hell. I believe people create their own by the way they live their lives. I do not believe that the bible is the absolute word of God. It is inspired by him. It was written by men and men are fallible. Therefore, I choose the parts that make the most sense to me. I believe in creation and in evolution. We don't know how long 7 days is to God. We are created in his image, but we don't know what he looks like. Actually by "created in his image" I believe it means our soul and our capacity for thought and compassion. I believe Jesus was a good man and had good teachings which I follow but I do not know nor care if he was the son of God. The Holy Trinity will always confuse me. I am not sure I believe in heaven. I do believe that some spirits live on and look out for us. I do believe in angels. Okay, that's enough of that for now.

So with all these thoughts and after my divorce, I decided to give religion another try. I go to Sunday school and church where my father does and again am not comfortable. I discover I have a problem with Jesus worship. We are supposed to worship God, not Jesus. I decide to take a world religions course and discover I relate most with Buddist, Taoist, Pagan and Wiccan views. I still am Christian kind of but I can't find somewhere I belong. I become angry at the slightest mention of Christ because I can't find a home in him.

Enter my second husband. He tells me he wanted to be a minister when he was younger. Oh no! I think. This is just bad. Somehow we get past it and he lets me have my own views. I meet a woman who gives me a color reading and she tells me that I would have made a wonderful minister. I let that soak in. Jason talks to me about God in a way that is not belittling and takes me to meet his minister. The church he (and now I) go to is accepting of all. They ask that you come as yourself to church. I have become an every Sunday church goer. I can't tell you what this means to me.

I have discovered that MY problem with Christianity was the Christians I was meeting. Jesus loved everyone. Yet I have been hated because I had my own beliefs. I do not think it matters who you love, only that you love. I do not think it matters what you call God. I think we all worship the same God and call him by different names. I believe he loves us all. So with all this said, I just wanted to throw out a small bit of wisdom to the type of Christians who condemn people like me. If you want to convert people, kindness works much better than hatred. People will always be more interested in hearing your beliefs if you talk to them instead of preach at them. Most of all, love everyone. It is for God to judge, not you or me.

I am excited about religion in a way that I haven't been since I was a child. I want to learn. I want to begin reading the bible again. I want the love of Christ to fill me up and I want to share it with others. This transformation was wrought solely by the acceptance of a wonderful church and it's accepting congregation. If you have not found your beliefs, do not give up hope. You will find your path eventually. I can not say this change will last forever, but for now, I am happy. I have found my faith again.

television networks suck

Why do television networks take risks on TV shows that are unlike anything else out there and then they refuse to promote it at all, they put it at a time slot that no one will watch it and then cancel it blaming the show for lack of support? I realize that was a massive run on sentence but I'm pissed. My favorite show, Legend of the Seeker has been canceled. They put it on in the middle of the night and never promoted it. Don't networks realize that if you put something on at a decent time and promote it, you will have fans?

Die hard fans who will stick with you through it all, think Buffy. There are so many shows that are exactly like everything else out there that it is disappointing. I loved the fact that there was something different on TV for a change.

I am one of those people who only likes shows with good characters. People who care about others and try to help. Kahlan, Richard and Zedd were like that. Cara too, though she would kick your ass for saying she cared. They all put their lives on the line every show for other people. They have risked death countless times in order to save one person. Kahlan and Richard are deeply in love and have had three chances to be together forever but each time they give up that chance to help someone else. They are the type of people we want as role models for our children and the next generation.

So instead of keeping wonderful role models and strong, independent women, we will cancel that for yet another reality show. Sometimes you really have to wonder what the fuck people are thinking. Too many people only care about lining their pockets instead of doing what is right and being a role model.

I am pissed as you can tell and will get off my soap box now, but just think about it. What is popular on TV is showing the next generation what is important to us. What message do you want your kids to have?

May 16, 2010

Well, we decided to stay a couple of extra days down at the beach so we can try to relax a little more. The weather is gorgeous. I asked Jason to take out the trash two days ago so of course this morning I had to do it. I'm glad I did though because there was the cutest little frog on the trashcan just hanging out and trying to blend in.

Some vacation: my aunt here for two days, cold weather for a couple days, sick for the rest of week and now Jason's mom might have cancer. I really don't know how to process that. I have offered to go up and stay with her for a little while. She has several tumors and there is a 90 percent chance they are cancerous. I figure if she needs chemo, she will need some help and since my classes are online, I am the best choice to help out.

I think I would love to sail out to sea and just be out of sight of land and watch the stars all night. I think that sometimes I would be happy to never speak to anyone again. I feel this way when my battery has run too low. It makes me want to run and hide out. My depression is kicking in I guess. Time for some random questions to think about...if anyone is reading this that is. I like to think of weird questions and ask other people just to see what they say. Ready, here goes...

Why when you are watching Time Warner Cable tv, do you see ads for Time Warner Cable? You already have their network, why do you need a commercial telling you to switch to it? Ready for another?

Why when you are with friends and you smell or taste something truly fucking awful, is your first reaction to hand it to them and say "this is awful, smell it" or "taste it"? And then since we all know this is true, and we know because we have just been told how bad it is, do we still smell or taste it?

Why can you find a song ok when it first comes out for about a week, hate it when the radio wears it out for the next year and then ten years later remember it only fondly and sing along when hearing it again.

By the way, if you haven't watched any of Legend of the Seeker it is an awesome fantasy show and boy are the main couple attractive. So now I am going to re-watch last weeks in anticipation for this weeks episode. Yummy, I get to drool over Craig Horner and Bridgett Regan and cheer for them to kiss. By the way, Mother Confessor, I miss your white dress, please go back to it soon. I heard this show is being canceled and that sucks because there is nothing out there like it. Anyway, I am off to watch that and the SVU marathon.

sadness

I just found out that my mother-in-law might have cancer. She has multiple tumors in her pancreas and liver. I don't know what to do to help my husband deal. Jason avoids everything. How can I get him to talk about it or should I just leave him alone and let him process? I just want to help. I don't like not being able to fix things. I am a fixer always. I am completely uncomfortable when there is nothing I can do. Okay, I am babbling right now. I am just freaking out.

New to this

I have always wanted to blog and used to use Myspace but am never on it anymore. I tend to give up on things but I will try hard not to do this. I am going to vow to myself that I will blog everyday for one year and hope that that takes care of that issue.

Hi! My name is MJ. I am 34 years old. I live in Charlotte, NC Got married for the second time on April 18, 2009 and am very happy for it. My first husband was a good man or a total jerk depending on what day I am talking. But hey, we all reserve the right to change our minds...often...right? My second husband Jason is a dream. I never imagined that I would get a man like this.

I am obese and want to lose weight but at the same time, I love food. I love all kinds of food and I don't want to give that up. Anyway, moving on. I love books, movies and TV except for horror. I think that is because I completely immerse myself in the world of the story and become a character in my own mind. I write books though I never try to get the finished ones published. My favorite authors are Catherine Coulter, Dean Koontz, Kay Hooper and JK Rowling. My favorite movies are The Stand, Stand by Me, The Princess Bride, Big Eden, Mrs. Winterborne the list goes on and one. My favorite tv shows are SVU, Lie to Me, Bones, Buffy, Roswell again the list goes on and on.

I am intensely loyal and would do anything for my friends but I am also an introvert. I can play extrovert for awhile but it takes a good bit out of me. What else? Hmm... I am adopted and would love to find my birth family but can't without paying and I don't have that kind of money. I am a college student and haven't a clue what to do with my life. I love all things Scottish and study Scotland's history for fun. Well that's enough background for now.

Jason and I came down to the beach to enjoy a vacation and spend some alone time together. We get here and my Aunt is here for one day. She and I truly don't get along. She is one of those people who I just find fake. If she had an actual emotion I think she would freak out. So we had to deal with her for a day and then I got the flu. So I have spent the entire week dealing with a bad fever and horrendous cough. Sexy, huh? Now, we leave tomorrow and today I am finally feeling better. A wasted vacation and school kicks back into full gear tomorrow. Ah well, guess I should be out enjoying this instead of sitting here posting. :) Nice to meet you all.