Wow, so a lot of time has gone by. I am not so good at the keeping this up to date thing which is really funny because I used to write in a diary every single day. I think it is a good thing to do because when you go back and re-read everything, it really helps you figure out where you were. So let's see where I am at.
I am taking classes. I was taking two literature courses and a comp programming course but I couldn't hack the last one. I was not made to program, I can't speak that language. :) My two lit classes are going pretty well though. I do get annoyed with stupid people but hey, they are everywhere so I guess I should expect them in my classes. I'm sure someone out there thinks I am rather stupid as well.
Jason's and my God-Daughter was born on Wednesday and she is precious. Now Jason has baby fever and I have to admit, I am catching it too. It does however terrify me. After the abuse I suffered before my adoption and the abandoning by my mother afterwards, I am terrified to have a child. It is such a long commitment and what if I am horrible at it? What if I lose my temper all the time and abuse my children? That thought scares the hell out of me. I have even discussed with Jason that he be the disciplinarian just in case. I hate to do that though. It is so old school to say "wait until your father gets home..." blah blah blah.
I just worry. I am a worrier at all times. I freak about money. I keep offering to quit college and go back to work but Jason won't let me. Most months it is a struggle to make sure all the bills get paid. We don't eat out ever anymore. I cook every night to save us some money but it seems we just can't get ahead. Our AC unit was fixed in May and of course broke again at the end of August. I am no good during the heat and tend to turn into a raving bitch so I am very glad that it has cooled down outside.
Kos moved home which I love but he also has gone out on tour. We have no idea when he will be home and today he told me he was selling his car because there was no sense making car payments if he will never be home to drive it. Stupid, I think. I understand that he is way in debt because of his stupid parents acting more like children but him being out on the road for two years to get out of debt won't make him happy either. We just got him back and now he is gone again. I hate Jesse for suggesting it...not really but I am mad!
Why is it that bills get harder to pay the closer you get to Christmas? Is winter just more expensive? It seems like we get further behind every month until in December we are barely able to pay for anything and then we use our Christmas money to get out of debt and start the cycle all over again. There has to be a better way of doing things.
Do you ever play the "What if" game? You know, the game that says if I won the lottery, I would..... fill in the blank. Jason and I play this game a lot. I would fly us (first class so we aren't so cramped) to Scotland for another vacation. I could quite happily live there. I think Jason could too. I don't think he would appreciate being away from his family but I have to say, I wouldn't mind distance from mine. It would make things like the pregnancy worries less. I think my main fear is that when we do get pregnant and tell my father, he won't be happy about it. He actually asked me a few months ago if I even liked children! What? I have been a nanny for at least 7 different children and I have worked at two day cares. Of course I like children. I don't think my father knows me at all, but then again, its not like I actually let him in very much either so it is really my fault.
Well I guess that is enough for tonight. I will try to continue tomorrow.
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