Back to God

I have been thinking about religion a lot lately. I challenge myself to think always and so I have been thinking about how I have ended up with the views I do. I was raised in a Methodist family and was forced to go to church on Sundays then I was sent to a Catholic school where we had daily mass and religion classes. During the summer I went to Quaker camp. Of these three I felt most comfortable with the Quakers because my religion is more nature based. When I was in high school, I finally told my father to shove it and quit going to church with him.

This began several years where I refused to have any part of God (except of course when things got bad and then I would pray). I did some things I am not proud of and I ended up in jail for 62 days. During this time, I wanted a better relationship with God but I didn't know how to go about it. I just read the bible. When I got out, my husband at the time took me to church with him. It was the first time I had been in church in close to 7 years. I considered myself to be agnostic and was terrified. What did they decide to do about it? They handed me a bible and told me to read a passage aloud and preach what it meant. Well, that's a horrible thing to do to someone who is terrified and trying to find their way back to God. In addition to this, I go to two family funerals where the minister instead of talking about the deceased, preaches about how so many are going to hell. I felt like he was talking to me.

Maybe I should open myself up for criticism at this point and tell you my beliefs. I do not believe in hell. I believe people create their own by the way they live their lives. I do not believe that the bible is the absolute word of God. It is inspired by him. It was written by men and men are fallible. Therefore, I choose the parts that make the most sense to me. I believe in creation and in evolution. We don't know how long 7 days is to God. We are created in his image, but we don't know what he looks like. Actually by "created in his image" I believe it means our soul and our capacity for thought and compassion. I believe Jesus was a good man and had good teachings which I follow but I do not know nor care if he was the son of God. The Holy Trinity will always confuse me. I am not sure I believe in heaven. I do believe that some spirits live on and look out for us. I do believe in angels. Okay, that's enough of that for now.

So with all these thoughts and after my divorce, I decided to give religion another try. I go to Sunday school and church where my father does and again am not comfortable. I discover I have a problem with Jesus worship. We are supposed to worship God, not Jesus. I decide to take a world religions course and discover I relate most with Buddist, Taoist, Pagan and Wiccan views. I still am Christian kind of but I can't find somewhere I belong. I become angry at the slightest mention of Christ because I can't find a home in him.

Enter my second husband. He tells me he wanted to be a minister when he was younger. Oh no! I think. This is just bad. Somehow we get past it and he lets me have my own views. I meet a woman who gives me a color reading and she tells me that I would have made a wonderful minister. I let that soak in. Jason talks to me about God in a way that is not belittling and takes me to meet his minister. The church he (and now I) go to is accepting of all. They ask that you come as yourself to church. I have become an every Sunday church goer. I can't tell you what this means to me.

I have discovered that MY problem with Christianity was the Christians I was meeting. Jesus loved everyone. Yet I have been hated because I had my own beliefs. I do not think it matters who you love, only that you love. I do not think it matters what you call God. I think we all worship the same God and call him by different names. I believe he loves us all. So with all this said, I just wanted to throw out a small bit of wisdom to the type of Christians who condemn people like me. If you want to convert people, kindness works much better than hatred. People will always be more interested in hearing your beliefs if you talk to them instead of preach at them. Most of all, love everyone. It is for God to judge, not you or me.

I am excited about religion in a way that I haven't been since I was a child. I want to learn. I want to begin reading the bible again. I want the love of Christ to fill me up and I want to share it with others. This transformation was wrought solely by the acceptance of a wonderful church and it's accepting congregation. If you have not found your beliefs, do not give up hope. You will find your path eventually. I can not say this change will last forever, but for now, I am happy. I have found my faith again.