Well, I definitely have not been keeping up with the posts here. There is a reason why and I am letting you (if anyone is actually reading this) into my head here. I suffer from Dysthymia which is a form of depression. It kicks into high gear during the summer. I felt it building for the last few days but fought it off until this morning. This morning I lost it. I have spent the day crying. Which can be rather humiliating when I leave church and people see me crying.
I have no good reason. There is nothing anyone can really do to help me except hug me and tell me it will all be ok. I tend, like so many people, to hate myself. I wonder why God made me this way. I used to think it was so I could help others but when I try to, I just feel like a hypocrite. I have a few ideas of God but no real understanding. I want a closer relationship with him but no knowledge of how to get it.
I told Jason that I wanted a better understanding of the bible. He bought me a teaching bible where you read the chapters and then a review. I think this is good. I am reading it at my own pace. Some days I don't read any and some days I read many chapters. I think I need to re-learn how to pray. My prayer for today is pretty simple. "Lord, though I may not be the believer you want me to be, I want to serve you better. Please guide me and give me the strength to get through today. Amen."
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