I have been busy with writing my midterms so I have not really had time to post. I am now done and looking forward to spending two days off with my husband. We are going to chill and watch movies and enjoy each others company. I have been enjoying looking at google maps lately and placing the yellow man on the roads of Scotland. That way, I have relived our trip there and seen all the sites I loved so much! Ahh, well. Let me go spend time with my honey.
Peace.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
midterms and money
Midterm time. I know that I have an A in my classes but for some reason, whenever I am writing an essay, I can never seem to actually get motivated; or at least I can but I don't want to. I guess that is everyone. I have been wanting to write a lot lately and not on the computer. I actually want to write things. Have you ever had that? Where you actually want to see your handwriting create something across a page? Maybe I should write a letter or take some notes or something.
Well, this day started out not so great but has actually been a pretty good day. I have been freaking out about money a good bit lately. I didn't know how we were going to eat this paycheck but maybe it will all be ok. I have a "friend" who is always around for the good times and likes to mooch off of people. I don't usually pay too much attention but since I have been out of work, it has been made startlingly clear. I loaned him $300.00 five years ago and no matter how often I ask for it back, he says he can't...he doesn't have it...he's broke...blah blah blah. I feel I have been more than patient. Jason even got in his face last November and told him to pay me. Of course my "friend" cried and told me he would if he could. Again. Anyway, talking to Kos today I asked if this friend was on tour with him and when he asked why I told him. Kos, without my knowledge, sent him a text telling him to give me the money this week or else. Lol. Kos doesn't give threats, he makes promises. Not that I ever want harm done to someone on my behalf, but apparently that is the only way that this friend ever pays anyone back. I haven't heard from him yet but apparently he let Kos know that he understood. So perhaps we won't be as dismal as we thought
I miss eating out. We haven't had a meal in a restaurant for almost three months. I would love to go to the Open Kitchen and get my usual and just enjoy an evening with Jason. Here we are eating chicken again. I think the amount of chicken we eat is what is causing Jason to fall asleep all the time. He isn't getting enough iron in his diet. I will have to look into that some. Well I guess I should be studying and taking notes for my midterms. See ya.
Well, this day started out not so great but has actually been a pretty good day. I have been freaking out about money a good bit lately. I didn't know how we were going to eat this paycheck but maybe it will all be ok. I have a "friend" who is always around for the good times and likes to mooch off of people. I don't usually pay too much attention but since I have been out of work, it has been made startlingly clear. I loaned him $300.00 five years ago and no matter how often I ask for it back, he says he can't...he doesn't have it...he's broke...blah blah blah. I feel I have been more than patient. Jason even got in his face last November and told him to pay me. Of course my "friend" cried and told me he would if he could. Again. Anyway, talking to Kos today I asked if this friend was on tour with him and when he asked why I told him. Kos, without my knowledge, sent him a text telling him to give me the money this week or else. Lol. Kos doesn't give threats, he makes promises. Not that I ever want harm done to someone on my behalf, but apparently that is the only way that this friend ever pays anyone back. I haven't heard from him yet but apparently he let Kos know that he understood. So perhaps we won't be as dismal as we thought
I miss eating out. We haven't had a meal in a restaurant for almost three months. I would love to go to the Open Kitchen and get my usual and just enjoy an evening with Jason. Here we are eating chicken again. I think the amount of chicken we eat is what is causing Jason to fall asleep all the time. He isn't getting enough iron in his diet. I will have to look into that some. Well I guess I should be studying and taking notes for my midterms. See ya.
Monday, October 4, 2010
birth family
Well, I have had an eventful day. I found someone with my first name born in the same city, on the same day and adopted by a family in NC. I think it is me. The facts are identical so now I am waiting on pins and needles for someone (a sibling who made the post looking for me) to respond. What if they don't like me? What if I am not the one they are looking for? My mind is over run with fears and doubts but I am completely excited at the same time.I don't know what to think or feel. Now I am sitting and watching Aladdin with Jason trying to get my mind off it.I will keep you posted on what happens if anything.Hopefully I will find out for sure if my last name was Mimbs.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
questions with no answers
Do you ever want to be something you know you already are? I am witty, funny and sarcastic with my friends but I can't seem to be that way here.I think weird thoughts and I like that about myself. For example: we learn our colors in school. Red is red and everyone knows it is red, right? But how do I know that the color I know as red isn't seen by my eyes as green? As different as we all are and our bodies are how is it possible we all see the exact same shade? Isn't it more likely that we recognize the colors because we are taught a certain color is red even though I might actually see green? These are the types of things I think about, useless possibly but at least I challenge myself.
Now on to a problem. I have a person I used to be friends with. She is the type of person who has to have all male attention at all times. She finds out you are interested in someone and she begins flirting, though badly, and it pissed me off. We are no longer friends and of course I got married so it is not even an issue anymore except that it is. We have a mutual friend who has now moved in with her and is forcing her on our group of friends. Now they are throwing a party for Halloween. Jason thinks we should go. Part of me agrees, but I don't want to at the same time.I don't trust her at all and don't particularly want her and Jason in the same place where she can flirt. I am not worried about Jason cheating on me, I trust him completely and he finds her rather vile but still...I just don't want her even talking to him.
So tell me dear readers, am I just clinging to the past or is my fear legitimate? BTW she visited him at work on day after she had only met him once. How do I handle this with my friend, I don't want to lose him but I find her repulsive and choose to not associate. What should we do? How should I handle this situation? Should we attend said party or not? Should I say something or not? If you are reading this, please respond.
Now on to a problem. I have a person I used to be friends with. She is the type of person who has to have all male attention at all times. She finds out you are interested in someone and she begins flirting, though badly, and it pissed me off. We are no longer friends and of course I got married so it is not even an issue anymore except that it is. We have a mutual friend who has now moved in with her and is forcing her on our group of friends. Now they are throwing a party for Halloween. Jason thinks we should go. Part of me agrees, but I don't want to at the same time.I don't trust her at all and don't particularly want her and Jason in the same place where she can flirt. I am not worried about Jason cheating on me, I trust him completely and he finds her rather vile but still...I just don't want her even talking to him.
So tell me dear readers, am I just clinging to the past or is my fear legitimate? BTW she visited him at work on day after she had only met him once. How do I handle this with my friend, I don't want to lose him but I find her repulsive and choose to not associate. What should we do? How should I handle this situation? Should we attend said party or not? Should I say something or not? If you are reading this, please respond.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
reflection day
So Yeah, It is a beautiful Saturday and what am I doing? I am trying to find decently priced hotels n the highlands of Scotland near or overlooking Loch Ness. I would like to be near a city and I don't want a B&B because we don't want to worry about waking people up if we get in too late. Doing this research (which I do often BTW) relaxes me and makes me very happy. I feel such a kinship to Scotland. I just know that somewhere in my heritage, I came from there. Part of me really wants to get that test done where you swab your mouth and they can tell you all the percentages of areas you come from. I want to but I am terrified at the same time. I am afraid I will find out that I have no relationship to Scotland and that would just break my heart. I don't know where I got the love of that country but it has stuck with me for many years. I study the history, the animals, the food and the maps. I love the rugged land and the beautiful untamed nature. I long to live there. I just feel like I belong there. Have you ever felt that way about a place? Like it is just in your blood? I want to learn to speak Gaelic but no one around here knows it.
I remember when we went for our honeymoon, I was literally bouncing up and down in my seat on the plane as soon as I saw Scotland. We hadn't even landed yet and I couldn't contain my joy. I wanted to see it all. I had no trouble driving there and found it relaxing and fun. I felt home. Perhaps I just long to know my own history. I love my parents and they will always be my parents but I want to know where I come from. I want to meet my mother at least once in my life and to find out if I have any siblings. I have found ways to find them but I cannot afford the fees such agencys require. My parents were offered my original birth certificate to give me when I was older but they declined it. I wish they hadn't.
So today I sit in my house with my 3 cats and dream of vacations that I will probably never take and places I will never live and people I will never meet. I guess today is a day for relection.
I remember when Jason and I first discussed our honeymoon and where to go, he didn't seem to appreciate the idea of Scotland. He wanted to go to Vegas. I was giving in and he decided since it meant that much to me, we would go to Scotland. Now he loves it too. I don't see how anyone couldn't love that country.
Ok, so I know you are bored by reading this but I did have a final topic to discuss today. The suicides of several gay teens really bothers me. I do not understand the harrassment these kids have to deal with. I don't understand the world. I do not understand why we can't just accept others. It doesn't mean we have to like what they do (not that I have ANY problems with it) but we must accept each other as human beings. None of us are any better than the rest and all should be treated equally. The thought that just because a teen is gay should cause them such hopelessness that they would kill themselves makes me incredibly sad. One life lost is too many. If anyone is reading this blog, which I honestly don't know if anyone is, that is the one thing I want you to take from it. Hatred is a disease and it is infectious. Just as hatred is infectious so is love. Pass on the message of love to everyone you meet. You just may save a life, make a friend or become a role model and if any of those fail to convince you, think about this; you will also make yourself feel better. When you smile at someone, you can change their life, and yours, for the better. Never be afraid of someone different and always strive to love.
I remember when we went for our honeymoon, I was literally bouncing up and down in my seat on the plane as soon as I saw Scotland. We hadn't even landed yet and I couldn't contain my joy. I wanted to see it all. I had no trouble driving there and found it relaxing and fun. I felt home. Perhaps I just long to know my own history. I love my parents and they will always be my parents but I want to know where I come from. I want to meet my mother at least once in my life and to find out if I have any siblings. I have found ways to find them but I cannot afford the fees such agencys require. My parents were offered my original birth certificate to give me when I was older but they declined it. I wish they hadn't.
So today I sit in my house with my 3 cats and dream of vacations that I will probably never take and places I will never live and people I will never meet. I guess today is a day for relection.
I remember when Jason and I first discussed our honeymoon and where to go, he didn't seem to appreciate the idea of Scotland. He wanted to go to Vegas. I was giving in and he decided since it meant that much to me, we would go to Scotland. Now he loves it too. I don't see how anyone couldn't love that country.
Ok, so I know you are bored by reading this but I did have a final topic to discuss today. The suicides of several gay teens really bothers me. I do not understand the harrassment these kids have to deal with. I don't understand the world. I do not understand why we can't just accept others. It doesn't mean we have to like what they do (not that I have ANY problems with it) but we must accept each other as human beings. None of us are any better than the rest and all should be treated equally. The thought that just because a teen is gay should cause them such hopelessness that they would kill themselves makes me incredibly sad. One life lost is too many. If anyone is reading this blog, which I honestly don't know if anyone is, that is the one thing I want you to take from it. Hatred is a disease and it is infectious. Just as hatred is infectious so is love. Pass on the message of love to everyone you meet. You just may save a life, make a friend or become a role model and if any of those fail to convince you, think about this; you will also make yourself feel better. When you smile at someone, you can change their life, and yours, for the better. Never be afraid of someone different and always strive to love.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Back again
Wow, so a lot of time has gone by. I am not so good at the keeping this up to date thing which is really funny because I used to write in a diary every single day. I think it is a good thing to do because when you go back and re-read everything, it really helps you figure out where you were. So let's see where I am at.
I am taking classes. I was taking two literature courses and a comp programming course but I couldn't hack the last one. I was not made to program, I can't speak that language. :) My two lit classes are going pretty well though. I do get annoyed with stupid people but hey, they are everywhere so I guess I should expect them in my classes. I'm sure someone out there thinks I am rather stupid as well.
Jason's and my God-Daughter was born on Wednesday and she is precious. Now Jason has baby fever and I have to admit, I am catching it too. It does however terrify me. After the abuse I suffered before my adoption and the abandoning by my mother afterwards, I am terrified to have a child. It is such a long commitment and what if I am horrible at it? What if I lose my temper all the time and abuse my children? That thought scares the hell out of me. I have even discussed with Jason that he be the disciplinarian just in case. I hate to do that though. It is so old school to say "wait until your father gets home..." blah blah blah.
I just worry. I am a worrier at all times. I freak about money. I keep offering to quit college and go back to work but Jason won't let me. Most months it is a struggle to make sure all the bills get paid. We don't eat out ever anymore. I cook every night to save us some money but it seems we just can't get ahead. Our AC unit was fixed in May and of course broke again at the end of August. I am no good during the heat and tend to turn into a raving bitch so I am very glad that it has cooled down outside.
Kos moved home which I love but he also has gone out on tour. We have no idea when he will be home and today he told me he was selling his car because there was no sense making car payments if he will never be home to drive it. Stupid, I think. I understand that he is way in debt because of his stupid parents acting more like children but him being out on the road for two years to get out of debt won't make him happy either. We just got him back and now he is gone again. I hate Jesse for suggesting it...not really but I am mad!
Why is it that bills get harder to pay the closer you get to Christmas? Is winter just more expensive? It seems like we get further behind every month until in December we are barely able to pay for anything and then we use our Christmas money to get out of debt and start the cycle all over again. There has to be a better way of doing things.
Do you ever play the "What if" game? You know, the game that says if I won the lottery, I would..... fill in the blank. Jason and I play this game a lot. I would fly us (first class so we aren't so cramped) to Scotland for another vacation. I could quite happily live there. I think Jason could too. I don't think he would appreciate being away from his family but I have to say, I wouldn't mind distance from mine. It would make things like the pregnancy worries less. I think my main fear is that when we do get pregnant and tell my father, he won't be happy about it. He actually asked me a few months ago if I even liked children! What? I have been a nanny for at least 7 different children and I have worked at two day cares. Of course I like children. I don't think my father knows me at all, but then again, its not like I actually let him in very much either so it is really my fault.
Well I guess that is enough for tonight. I will try to continue tomorrow.
I am taking classes. I was taking two literature courses and a comp programming course but I couldn't hack the last one. I was not made to program, I can't speak that language. :) My two lit classes are going pretty well though. I do get annoyed with stupid people but hey, they are everywhere so I guess I should expect them in my classes. I'm sure someone out there thinks I am rather stupid as well.
Jason's and my God-Daughter was born on Wednesday and she is precious. Now Jason has baby fever and I have to admit, I am catching it too. It does however terrify me. After the abuse I suffered before my adoption and the abandoning by my mother afterwards, I am terrified to have a child. It is such a long commitment and what if I am horrible at it? What if I lose my temper all the time and abuse my children? That thought scares the hell out of me. I have even discussed with Jason that he be the disciplinarian just in case. I hate to do that though. It is so old school to say "wait until your father gets home..." blah blah blah.
I just worry. I am a worrier at all times. I freak about money. I keep offering to quit college and go back to work but Jason won't let me. Most months it is a struggle to make sure all the bills get paid. We don't eat out ever anymore. I cook every night to save us some money but it seems we just can't get ahead. Our AC unit was fixed in May and of course broke again at the end of August. I am no good during the heat and tend to turn into a raving bitch so I am very glad that it has cooled down outside.
Kos moved home which I love but he also has gone out on tour. We have no idea when he will be home and today he told me he was selling his car because there was no sense making car payments if he will never be home to drive it. Stupid, I think. I understand that he is way in debt because of his stupid parents acting more like children but him being out on the road for two years to get out of debt won't make him happy either. We just got him back and now he is gone again. I hate Jesse for suggesting it...not really but I am mad!
Why is it that bills get harder to pay the closer you get to Christmas? Is winter just more expensive? It seems like we get further behind every month until in December we are barely able to pay for anything and then we use our Christmas money to get out of debt and start the cycle all over again. There has to be a better way of doing things.
Do you ever play the "What if" game? You know, the game that says if I won the lottery, I would..... fill in the blank. Jason and I play this game a lot. I would fly us (first class so we aren't so cramped) to Scotland for another vacation. I could quite happily live there. I think Jason could too. I don't think he would appreciate being away from his family but I have to say, I wouldn't mind distance from mine. It would make things like the pregnancy worries less. I think my main fear is that when we do get pregnant and tell my father, he won't be happy about it. He actually asked me a few months ago if I even liked children! What? I have been a nanny for at least 7 different children and I have worked at two day cares. Of course I like children. I don't think my father knows me at all, but then again, its not like I actually let him in very much either so it is really my fault.
Well I guess that is enough for tonight. I will try to continue tomorrow.
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